Today, class, we will discuss the success of the $787 BILLION stimulus bill.

This bill is our government's gift to all of us to jerk our economy off the bottom-feeder list.

First, a little perspective. A billion is a bunch of dollars. Therefore, $787 billion is 787 times as many dollars.

Second, we need to fully understand the meaning of stimulus. The dictionary defines stimulus as: a goad, sting, torment, pang, spur, incentive: 1 — something that rouses or incites to action or increased action; incentive: 2 — any action or agent that causes or changes an activity in an organism, organ, or part, as something that excites an end organ, starts a nerve impulse, activates a muscle, etc.

What we have, then, is a bunch of money intended to do good things and help people.

Tremendous in theory, not so much in reality.

IF YOU READ or watch the news, you probably know about the list of projects financed by the stimulus spending.

If you know about it, we’ll pause here while you puke. If you somehow don’t know about it, read on. These items are a matter of public record.

— $300,000 for a GPS-equipped helicopter to hunt for radioactive rabbit droppings at the Hanford nuclear reservation in Washington State.

Thought radioactive stuff glowed in the dark.

— $462,000 to purchase 22 concrete toilets for use in the Mark Twain National Forest in Missouri.

Maybe we could use these to potty train those rabbits.

— $1.5 million for a fence to block would-be jumpers from leaping off the All-American Bridge in Akron, Ohio.

Surely that violates at least one of their amendments.

— $148,438 for Washington State University to analyze the use of marijuana in conjunction with medications like morphine.

Morphine needs help from marijuana?

— $2.3 million for the U.S. Forest Service to rear large numbers of arthropods, including the Asian longhorned beetle, the nun moth and the woolly adelgid.

What, we don’t need more fleas?

— $2.5 million in stimulus checks sent to the deceased.

That delivery must have missed my house.

— $20,000 for a fish sperm freezer at the Gavins Point Fish Hatchery in South Dakota.

Catch one of these babies, no need to put it on ice.

— $3.4 million for a 13-foot tunnel for turtles and other wildlife attempting to cross U.S. 27 in Lake Jackson, Florida.

Most turtles can’t read signs. How much for the dudes who herd the turtles into the tunnel?

— $219,000 for Syracuse University to study the sex lives of freshman women.

A fraternity would have paid to make that study.

There are many others, but some are too silly to list.

BRYAN COUNTY stimulus.

An industrial-strength cattle prod judiciously applied to sensitive areas of the government goons who dreamed up this stimulus spending.